Cemetery
by youronlyexception
Summary: Eli's girlfriend Julia died in an accident. So far, he's only had trouble coping with it. After he has to make some changes, he meets Clare. Does his life pull itself back together, or does it just keep falling apart? Chapter three is up.
1. Chapter One

**Chapter One: **_**I tried to kill myself at least a dozen times, but nothing seemed to turn out right.**_

When people talk about death, you mostly hear about how much they dread it and how it's such a frightening concept. There are some that accept it because they have to, some that accept it as another cycle in life. Then you have those who don't accept it nor deny it because they refuse to think that far ahead. Of course, there are groups that sit on the fence, sometimes accepting and sometimes denying. After all those people, you get to the ones like me.

There is a side to every story, a different view in every argument. While you could have an attitude towards death like those mentioned above, I find it easier to think about it as the day you are set free of everything bothersome. All the stereotypes don't matter, all the expectations are no longer held over your head, all the people you don't like are out of your life forever. Rather, you're out of their lives. I embrace the possibility that I will one day hopefully very soon be able to no longer feel, no longer have to deal with all the bullshit. Death will be a great relief.

x

I had been awake for a good half-hour, but I refused to open my eyes. My mother sobbed quietly a few feet away, and the television blared about various news topics. There was a soft hum from a machine next to me; a simple, steady beeping accompanied the buzz. The rest of the building bustled and voices carried. If I kept my eyes shut, I wouldn't have to deal with anything yet.

How I could have failed yet again amazed me. I was so sure that this time was perfect, that this would be it. The uncomfortable hospital bed, its papery gown, and the IV in my hand proved me wrong.

"Mrs. Goldsworthy?" a man's voice said. I heard my mom sniffle and stand to address him.

"Yes?"

"Hi, I'm Dr. Reed. It looks like we got him just in time," Dr. Reed announced. My mother let out a huge breath, obviously happy. "Everything looks okay… his stomach is going to be a bit off and he'll probably feel pretty tired for a few days, but that's just what the procedure does."

"Oh… that's not a problem. He's had his stomach pumped before."

"That's another thing, Mrs. Goldsworthy… I'm a little concerned."

There was a short lull before my mother said, "Uhm… with what?"

"Well… this is the fourth time he's been to the hospital near death in the past nine months… is everything okay at home?"

"At home, yes," my mom spoke, her tone strictly professional now. "I'm not too sure what you're implying, Dr. Reed."

"Mrs. Goldsworthy, I assure that I am only asking for the boy's best interest, but… well, you don't accidentally swallow ten sleeping pills, or to take two xanax and down a bottle of Nyquil after, or tie a rope around your neck and hang it from the ceiling, and I'm pretty darn sure it's impossible to accidentally sit in the tub with your wrist bleeding. There is something dangerous going on, and it's extremely worrisome."

She took a short breath and said through what I knew were pursed lips, "Dr. Reed, I'm sorry, but I don't believe it's any of your business at this point in time. You treated him, he's fine."

"I think I'm going to send someone to come talk to you about getting him into some counseling."

"He's already seeing a psychiatrist. Hence the xanax."

"Fine," Dr. Reed sighed. "I'll come back to check on him when he's awake and then he can go home." His footsteps grew fainter as he put more and more distance between himself and the room.

I felt my mother's hand on my arm. She gingerly held my hand on my chest, little whimpers leaving her mouth. After listening to her cry for a few moments, I opened my eyes. She smiled down at me, tightening her grip around my fingers. I squeezed her hand back, pressing my lips in a line to acknowledge her smile. Her hand came up to my face to brush the hair out of my eyes and rest on my cheek. She whispered, "Hi, baby. You're finally up." I nodded. "You hungry? Want me to get you anything?"

"I just wanna go home," I told her.

"We have to wait until the doctor comes back, okay?" I rolled my eyes and pursed my lips. She inhaled sharply and slowly said, "Eli… Eli, we need to talk."

"I don't want to talk. I want to go home." She glared at me; I glared back.

"Elijah, this needs to stop."

"What needs to stop, mom? What?" She hated talking about my suicide attempts. I wanted to make her stop before she could get started like I could do with so many other things, but she grew resilient after the first couple times.

"You know what I'm talking about, Eli. Four times you've ended up in the hospital, thank God I caught you before it got serious the other few times. I don't know what else you want me to do. You're in therapy, you tried medication. I'm trying not to take away your freedom, but this is scary."

I clenched my jaw, shaking my head. "You don't understand, Mom."

"You think I don't understand what it's like to want to die, but I do. What I don't understand is why I'm giving you all these resources, yet you're still trying to kill yourself!"

"I don't want to fucking live, Mom! I have to walk around every fucking day without a purpose!"

"Eli, don't swear at me. Now, how do you not have a purpose? You have so much going for you!"

"I just don't, Mom, okay?"

"No, not okay. I won't stand for my baby boy trying to kill himself! What am I not giving you?"

"You don't fucking understand!" I raised my voice. She furrowed her brows.

"Then, make me understand, Eli!" Her volume matched mine.

"She's gone, Mom! She's gone, she's not coming back, and it's all my fault!" I shouted, tears filling my eyes. "You don't have to walk the halls at school and have everything remind you of her! You don't have people who used to be friends with you that hate you for what happened! You don't tell yourself every day that it should have been you on that bike instead!" Before I started crying like a pansy, I gathered myself again and blinked the tears away. My mom took a moment to calm herself down. When she spoke again, it was quietly and slowly.

"Eli… I understand that Julia was a big part of your life. It wasn't your fault. It was an accident, and that means it was nobody's fault." I looked away from her, choosing to stare at the sterile white wall instead. "Do you understand me?"

"Just forget it. I wanna go home." She sighed and took a seat in the chair next to the bed.

"Okay, you leave me no choice. I considered it before, but I had hoped that things would get better…" I looked at her confusedly. "You're not going to Bardell next year." My jaw went slack, my mouth gaping open. "If it's adding to the stress, I'm not going to let you spend another two years there. That's final." I closed my mouth.

"Fine. Whatever." My mother sighed and leaned back in her chair. I rolled over to face the wall opposite her.

I met Julia at Bardell. We shared so many days there, had so many moments. But there was nothing I could do about anything now. She was gone, and my mom had made a final decision.

* * *

_Reader,_

_I have another bought of writer's block, so I'm not entirely happy with how I worded some of this. I'm happy with it in general, though, so I hope you'll forgive any awkwardly worded parts._

_I've noticed a lot of fics that talk about Eli's past after he meets Clare. I wanted to put out a new take on and talk a little about his time before Clare. Tell me what you think. :)_

_Sincerely,_

_youronlyexception  
_


	2. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two: **_**Even when I go blind and lose my mind…**_

I was finally discharged from the hospital about an hour after the argument with my mother. Relief flowed through me; I hated the sterile white that touched everything, the uncomfortable bedding and clothing, and the falsely empathetic gazes you received from a staff member. They forced me to go to the car in a wheelchair, afraid I might stumble and end up right back in that bed.

The ride back home was quiet. My mom's lips were pursed and her turns were sharp. She swatted my hand away as it reached for the radio dial. I sighed heavily and leaned into my seat.

"I'm sorry, I'm just… I'm not in the mood for noise right now," she mumbled, maneuvering into the driveway. I muttered back a "whatever" and got out. She lagged behind me, keeping her distance like every time we came home from a visit to the hospital.

Climbing the stairs, I went into my bathroom. The slight headache I had was turning into a pounding one. After opening the medicine cabinet behind the mirror, I noticed that all that was left were my vitamins and shaving cream. I closed it, shaking it off. She was taking precautions this time. I turned to open the door behind me, but found no door was there. The barrier between my room and bathroom was completely open.

"You're fucking kidding me," I whispered to myself, noticing that the door to the hall entrance was missing as well. My headache worsened with my irritation. Exhaling sharply, I walked over to my closet and pulled the curtain aside to get a change of clothes. All of my belts were missing. I groaned, proceeding to change anyway. The missing items could be retrieved later.

Pictures of various things were still spread across my desk. My psychiatrist recommended making a scrapbook of things that made me happy to look at when I was upset. I chose to humor him, so I had been cutting out pictures of members of my favorite bands and different characters from numerous comic books before the last attempt. All the pictures I had of Julia were already in its pages. Sitting back down, I looked over my desk for my scissors.

They were gone. My second pair was gone, as was my X-Acto knife and my spare razors. The headache bubbled harshly, making my head pound. I stomped down the stairs, finding my mother in the kitchen.

"Where are my things?" I said as calmly as I could muster. She sighed, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Eli, I had no other choice, I-"

"No, Mom, where's my stuff?" I shouted.

She looked at me with a briefly surprised expression before her face turned to stone and she replied, "Elijah, I understand that you're upset, but you will not take that tone with me. Sit down."

"No, I'm out of here, I'll be-"

"You'll be going nowhere, now sit down!" she demanded. I scowled and sat down across the table from her. "Eli… I called Dr. Schwartz, and he recommended we take away anything you could use to harm yourself."

"So, you take away the scissors I'd been using for a therapy technique? My belts so my pants don't sag down? The Aleve for when I have a pounding fucking headache, like I do right now?" I raised my volume with each sentence. She stared at me with a face of stone.

"Elijah Noel, do not swear at me. You can use the scissors around me, but I'd rather them not be in immediate reach. I'm still trying to make a decision about how you'll use your belts, and I'll give you only a single dose of something when you need it. I'm not trying to upset you, baby, I'm just-"

"Yea, well, you're failing to keep me happy, Mom."

She closed her eyes. When she spoke again, her voice trembled. "Honey, I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried so hard to keep things going smoothly, but they're just not." I had yet again made my mother cry. Her words lingered in the air, and my stomach churned in response.

Things hadn't been going smoothly. When Julia died, my entire world fell apart. I didn't know how to cope with anything, so I chose not to. My mom had been so supportive, and I had just pushed her away. Maybe if I had just tried harder…

Her voice pulled me away from my thoughts. "Eli, I don't know how to tell you how much you mean to me. You're my baby, my little boy. You're so important to me. I can't find the words to express just how lucky I am to have you. That's why I took your things. That's why I ask you so many questions when you decide to go out, or when we both have a minute to talk. I want to know how you are, I want to know that you're not planning to go rot in a ditch somewhere. If I lost you…" she trailed off, a sob replacing the end of that sentence. I mulled over her words, trying to find the right reply.

"Mom… Julia was the closest person I had. I don't want to live if it has to be without her."

"Do you really think she'd want you to believe in that?" she asked, looking at me through tearful eyes. "Do you really think she'd want you to kill yourself instead of living up to your potential? Because, let me tell you, she would have to be crazy to want someone as wonderful as you to die. She would want you to live, if not for yourself, then for her. So that she didn't die just for you to join her."

My lip trembled, salt stinging my eyes. She was right; Julia would not have wanted me to kill myself. It just felt so wrong to be alive when she wasn't, like not dying to be with her was disrespectful. I had gotten past the point where I truly wanted to die. Now, I just didn't want to live without her.

"I'm really tired. I'm gonna go take a nap," I told my mother quietly, standing.

"All right. We'll talk more later," she said softly. I groaned playfully, the corner of my mouth turning up in a smirk. She pushed at my hip before grabbing my hand and squeezing it. "I love you, bub."

"I love you, too," I answered, heading for the stairs. With my foot on the first step, I turned back and looked at her. She had gone back to her coffee. I went back to my room, lied on the bed, and thought about everything that had happened.

I couldn't keep living like this. Julia would have wanted me to live a better life, even if I had to do it without her. My mother didn't want to lose me, and it was unfair to both of us to keep putting her through this. I had to stop trying to end my life and start living it.

"Way to go, Goldsworthy. Took you long enough," I mumbled jokingly to myself, tossing over to my side and finally falling asleep.

* * *

_Reader,_

_I know these have been pretty short so far, but this is my first time writing both a character as complex as Eli and a guy. It'll get better once he gets to Degrassi, aha._

_Thank you for reading. Many of you have added me or this story to their alerts. Thank you so much for that as well. If you have a moment, please review._

_Sincerely,_

_youronlyexception  
_


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three: **Nothing seems to turn out right; …

"Have a good day, sweetie!" my mother called after me as I walked out the door. I scoffed once the door was shut. My first day of Degrassi: in other words, I was not in for a good day. After spending an entire summer sharing my feelings with my psychiatrist and having supervised scissors time, I was most definitely not in the mood for any bullshit the halls of Degrassi would bring. As far as I knew, that bullshit came in massive amount.

I turned the key in Morty's ignition, petting the dash when he purred to life. "Missed you, Mort," I mumbled, pulling out of the driveway. My mother or another driver took care of all vehicular transportation over the summer, unless I counted the times my mother let me drive with her in the passenger seat. He was low on gas, so I made a pit stop before heading to school.

x

Roaming around the lot, I finally found a good spot: close to the school, near some picnic tables. I could admire my beloved hearse from afar at lunch; this thought made me smirk to myself. Cutting the engine, I opened the door and stepped foot on the pavement. Quite a few students were already here. Quite a few of them were already staring.

"Well, Goldsworthy… what can you expect when you roll in with a hearse?"

x

My first hour was extremely boring. Morning classes always were, but there was something about Chemistry that made it all the worse. The teacher didn't really help either. I spent the vast majority of the time wondering when the next issue of _Goon_ was supposed to hit shelves…

Second hour was less agonizing. English was my forte, as it always had been. Despite the fact we were already assigned a short essay, I had a feeling I was going to enjoy that class.

Lunch was painfully slow. I sat outside at one of the tables, debating going to sit in Morty. I finally give in and got in my car, turning the stereo on unreasonably loud. Once again, I received countless stares. They were beginning to get unnoticeable at this point, though, so they didn't ruin the time I had by myself. After the half-hour we had was over, I trudged my way to Algebra 2.

Algebra flew by; it was quickly replaced by World Studies, which was finally interrupted by the last class of the day: Psychology. I actually found this hour to be quite pleasant, which made me happy I could end my day on a good note. Once the final bell sounded, I quickly walked the path to my locker and then to Morty. He waited patiently in the spot I parked him in this morning. I smiled and patted the roof, chuckling to myself as I backed out and drove off.

x

I pulled into the driveway, aware that my mother's car was missing. Shrugging it off, I walked into the house and set my keys on the hallway table. My feet made soft thuds as I climbed the stairs. Nothing was better than shedding your clothes and slipping into a pair of sweats and a V-neck after a boring day like the one I just had.

Something shiny caught my eye after I pulled the curtain away, revealing my closet. The leather was smooth and cold as I held it in my hands. I smiled to myself and walked back downstairs to the kitchen.

Grabbing a soda from the fridge, I turned around to sit at the table. In front of me, there was a note from my mother.

_Baby,_

_I went out to pick up some stuff for dinner. If I'm not back by the time you get home, 1.) I'll know you came right home after school and 2.) I'll be back soon after. Because I know you already changed into something more comfortable – you've been doing it for more than a decade every day after school, you know – I hope you noticed a change in your closet. (If you didn't, I put your belts back.)_

_I'm really proud of you for all the progress you've made this summer and for actually going to school today. Keep it up, kid!_

_Love you so much,_

_Mom_

I smiled to myself, sipping at my drink. As boring as Degrassi was… I had a good feeling about this upcoming year already.

x

My mother walked into the kitchen as I was rinsing out my can. She put the groceries on the counter and pecked my cheek, grinning. I smiled back.

"Did you get my note?" she asked as she shuffled through the items in the fridge.

"Yea… thanks, Mom," I said quietly. She turned to look at me and closed the fridge, stepping in front of me to cup my face. I held her arms and put my chin to my chest as she kissed my forehead. Pulling me into a quick hug, she sighed.

"So, how was your first day?"

I leaned on the counter with my arms crossed, chewing on my bottom lip. After taking a moment to put together an answer, I replied, "Boring."

"Boring? Is that all you can say?" she questioned, glaring at me. I glared back, face stone cold. It only took a few seconds of this staring contest before we burst into laughter. Neither of us was capable of pretending to be irritated with the other for very long. She went back to tending the groceries. "Seriously, though… anything happen? Anything at all?"

"Uh… well, people stared at me a lot," I responded.

She smirked and said, "Hm, I wonder why, Mr. I-drive-a-hearse-and-wear-all-black-constantly-and-walk-around-all-broodingly."

"Hey, hey, hey, I do not _brood_. I glower. One has a hint of sadness, while the other is all about aggression." My mother smirked at me again, finishing up with the shopping bags.

"Anything else?"

I stood for a moment, trying to think of something to tell her. She wanted me to be happy, and I knew she hoped Degrassi would help bring that for me. I couldn't think of anything, so I simply stated, "Nope. Nothing."

"Fine," she sighed. "I'm just going to have to ask you that every afternoon after school until something happens to you." I raised my brows at her and tucked my chin to my chest, glaring at her again. She smiled in return. "Dinner will be ready in about half an hour. Go busy yourself," she dismissed, preparing to cook. I groaned in false agitation before letting a small smile creep on my face, ensuring she caught a glance at it. Mom winked and smirked, simply pretending to be preoccupied.

The magnificent relationship I had with my mom, despite the tough times we had to pull ourselves through, was finally coming back; I was finally getting back to living a flawed yet awesome life. With this thought, I stole to my room, the latest issue of _Goon_ on my mind.

* * *

_Reader,_

_My apologies for the prolonged wait for an update. I had a short case of writer's block, and then I got busy with school. Most of you know how that goes, aha._

_Thanks for reading and reviewing. This is where it starts picking up, I promise! By the way, how do you think I'm doing writing Eli's point of view? I've never written in a guy's perspective before, so it's a little weird. I have to remind myself not to be super sentimental and whatnot, ahaha. Let me know if I need to work on anything, though._

_Sincerely,_

_youronlyexception.  
_


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